It took me my entire pregnancy to take and edit these, but what’s happened in between then has been a pretty incredible transformation. I have had therapy as a teenager which did nothing for me and I’ve always avoided it since. Last year, I came across someone who I felt was a special kind of therapist and he lectures all over the world to help other people learn about this special kind of technique. I decided to trust in him and give it a go. Speaking about things that happened to me was difficult and my therapist told me that a lot of anger would come out of me, which at the time I couldn’t see happening. Since that point I had about 8 months of extreme anger, where I couldn’t create anything, I was just angry. I felt like everything I did create was rubbish. I wasn’t sad, I wasn’t depressed, I was just furiously angry. Not about what happened to me, but at the world in general for allowing it to happen. I was so angry at the world, I found it difficult to leave the house and did so quite infrequently.
I found it very difficult to relax, on a two week holiday to Devon and Cornwall, where I got sun, fresh air and lots of good food, I finally felt myself letting go and starting to forgive the world. I started taking some photographs again. I got so relaxed I fell pregnant with my son. But then I found it really hard to open my heart to him, I began to get extremely stressed and worried about whether the pregnancy would run smoothly. I found it hard to just let go, let my body change and love him knowing how fragile a baby is, knowing what could go wrong. Since the first scan I had of his, I just totally changed. My mindset completely changed. I felt an immense amount of strength I’ve never had before, an ability to stand up for myself. Now it’s not just me, I have to speak up for my baby. Not everybody liked the new me who was vocal about what she needed from life.
Losing certain people, and seeing the change in myself as I surrounded myself with more positive and proactive people inspired me to look at who is in my life and how I spend my time. I realised in my anger phase I had attracted a lot of angry and negative people. I decided to surround myself with purely positive, productive and constructive people. I have come so far, that I can see that I’m actually picking up people around me. They’re getting more active and having more new ideas.
I feel like all my life I’ve had this blackness deep in my heart that had to come out. And now it finally has I’ve realised what I’m actually capable of. My life has started.